The Most Despaired Period In My Life.......

Can u remember when was the worst times of your life?
Or would u rather not remember?
Can u forget; let it be buried?
Or would u hv it as a reminder so that u dun err again?

Many say: "It's better to bury the past; never to be mentioned again."
I say: "There's nothing to be ashamed of. Humans learn through mistakes."

Many say: "There's nothing to be proud of; dirty linens shd not be publicised."
I say: "It will forever be a piece of dirty linen (even after washed), if one's views aren't altered."

Everyone leads a different life; i don't despise yours, neither should u on mine.
Everyone has a taste of what despair feels like; it may be as bitter as poison, or as painful as in labour!

The most despaired period in my life.........:

It was nothing but darkness even in broad daylight; 24hrs in nite mode.
No one cares; tt's what I thought - why shd they (with the rebelling: ME).
"What had gone wrong?" - I asked myself, "what had I done?"

Everyone said that I was the most obedient among all, everyone said that I was the easiest to babysit. Have they found someone more obedient than me? Have they forgotten that I was the one they used to bring, out for those Sunday afternoon walks in the park??

I was alone, because I hv erred. I was not forgiven because I'm supposed to be the BEST but now that I have with me, a scar - for the rest of my life......

I was still a little girl, just like any 13s or 14s.. Those Sats that I'v alys looked 4ward to, those yearly Xmas celebrations with 'the-thoughts-tt-counts'; they soon disappear, for a reason I know not. The loneliness soon crept in & I know it's time I find myself new companions. Who is good? Who is not? No one was there to advice so I trusted my instincts - only to realise that my choice was wrong fr the start, leading me to one mistake after another, until the last WORST one.

I thought: There's no more hope left for me until my immediate family appeared, right in front of my eyes - I was touched, I was perhaps in more pain than them, realising how much pain I'v caused them during those times when I thought "no one cares". I was wrong, VERY WRONG!
For a while, I contradict myself: a) I wanted to change, for their sake b) I felt ashamed for bringing them shame.

Due to my low self-esteem then, I again made the wrong choice which I thought it a better one. I moved out fr my family (not knowing tt I'm causing more pain). I avoided meeting up with relatives; thinking tt it's better for my family. IN FACT, I could not face myself! I ended up having the following 3 - 4 years of CNY ALONE! Going back only for reunion dinner & making myself scarce soon after - back to my rented place, mostly ended up in tears & blaming myself for my "retributions".

I started drinking, making myself numb so that I don't feel so LOW - bringing myself one more level DOWN! Not that I never try, on several occasions, I made phone calls, asking for contact numbers of another; I needed someone to talk to so badly, I needed to hear those once-so-familiar voices again, I needed to those 'family bonds' that was once so strong (every Sats) but then NO ONE trusted me. I sank deeper & deeper until one final day, I thought "This is it", & the next half an hr or so, I landed myself in the ER.

I was ALMOST gone: my mind filled with all that I'v done, my childhood days, my family & relatives, my life...& i could hear a familiar voice (a friendly voice asking me to HANG ON). I tell myself "This is not the end for me, @least not now!"...& I lived on.

I thought I was stronger, indeed I was. FAMILY BOND - that was what I needed, I knew. I made the 1st step: I walk out of my guilt, I faced the world (everyone) once again! But still not strong enough to pull myself out fr the deepest drain.

It took me another 3 -4 yrs - to face & accept myself for what I am, the way I see myself b4 all these 'misfortunes' (with a last but not major incident), to recover my self-esteem, to strengthen my will-power, to build my courage & brace myself, to see my 'SINs' as LIFE EXPERIENCES & so on & so forth.

Finally, I MADE IT & now (still working hard on character building), I am proud of myself for tt very 1st step tt I'v made!

"The Greatest ENEMY is no other but ONESELF"

"It takes 3 days for one to err & 3 years for one to change

BUT that 3 years definitely makes one a better person than those w/o"

"No man is an island - YOU R NEVER ALONE!"

*GOD BLESS*

SAINT or DEVIL....

Are u a saint or are u a devil??

The times when I'm filled with ZEST; with the GO-GO-GO attitudes, with the NEVER-SAY-NO, NEVER-GIVE-UP motions, this is the time when one is at the highest level, known as the OPTIMISTIC, & this I shall call me A SAINT!

The times when I'm at my LOWEST, accompanied with nothing but NEGATIVES, known as the PESSISMISTIC, & this I shall call me THE DEVIL!

I believe, everyone, same like me, has 2 faces, 2 personalities, 2 characters - THE SAINT & THE DEVIL.

The SAINT is always beautiful, strong with an open-mind, open-heart.
The DEVIL is ugly, weak with an envious mind & heart.

I once heard a comment (fr my soulmate): "Alys think you can, you can & finally u will make it"...And I thought tt it's easy for him to say but it may not work for everyone.
Isn't this same as hypnotising oneself?? - I thought...which is NO good....See, I used the word 'NO' - each time the word 'NO' appear in our sentences, we are actually bringing our self-esteem down by another level. What is GOOD & what is NO GOOD? Isn't all these rated by ourselves??
We are the masters of the language, we take control of our words, which means we are in full control of our life, almost full control of situations (not to mention accidental matters).

After repeating the statement in my head several times; HEY! It does seems LOGIC!

Imagine one who keeps on disacouraging oneself or another (in chinese we say "pouring cold water on one), probably this person has never made any achievements in his/her life! DO NOT be fooled by him/her! Stand up & fight for your dreams! If you don't try, U will never know!
Hey! U DEVIL, stop contaminating yr negativities around - you are not welcome! This will only lead to more illness to the population. What we need in this world, in our lives, are people full of hopes & enthusiasm, to make this a even better world...

The proverb: An apple a day keeps the doctor away..
How abt: A smile a day keeps the DEVIL away!

A favourite phrase I often share with my friends & loved ones: It's all in the mind!

Whether u want it the SAINT way or the DEVIL way, choose your preferred path, stick to your notion & be responsible for your own choice.

May God continue to bless the saints & help the devils!