Or would u rather not remember?
Can u forget; let it be buried?
Or would u hv it as a reminder so that u dun err again?
Many say: "It's better to bury the past; never to be mentioned again."
I say: "There's nothing to be ashamed of. Humans learn through mistakes."
Many say: "There's nothing to be proud of; dirty linens shd not be publicised."
I say: "It will forever be a piece of dirty linen (even after washed), if one's views aren't altered."
Everyone leads a different life; i don't despise yours, neither should u on mine.
Everyone has a taste of what despair feels like; it may be as bitter as poison, or as painful as in labour!
The most despaired period in my life.........:
It was nothing but darkness even in broad daylight; 24hrs in nite mode.
No one cares; tt's what I thought - why shd they (with the rebelling: ME).
"What had gone wrong?" - I asked myself, "what had I done?"
Everyone said that I was the most obedient among all, everyone said that I was the easiest to babysit. Have they found someone more obedient than me? Have they forgotten that I was the one they used to bring, out for those Sunday afternoon walks in the park??
I was alone, because I hv erred. I was not forgiven because I'm supposed to be the BEST but now that I have with me, a scar - for the rest of my life......
I was still a little girl, just like any 13s or 14s.. Those Sats that I'v alys looked 4ward to, those yearly Xmas celebrations with 'the-thoughts-tt-counts'; they soon disappear, for a reason I know not. The loneliness soon crept in & I know it's time I find myself new companions. Who is good? Who is not? No one was there to advice so I trusted my instincts - only to realise that my choice was wrong fr the start, leading me to one mistake after another, until the last WORST one.
I thought: There's no more hope left for me until my immediate family appeared, right in front of my eyes - I was touched, I was perhaps in more pain than them, realising how much pain I'v caused them during those times when I thought "no one cares". I was wrong, VERY WRONG!
For a while, I contradict myself: a) I wanted to change, for their sake b) I felt ashamed for bringing them shame.
Due to my low self-esteem then, I again made the wrong choice which I thought it a better one. I moved out fr my family (not knowing tt I'm causing more pain). I avoided meeting up with relatives; thinking tt it's better for my family. IN FACT, I could not face myself! I ended up having the following 3 - 4 years of CNY ALONE! Going back only for reunion dinner & making myself scarce soon after - back to my rented place, mostly ended up in tears & blaming myself for my "retributions".
I started drinking, making myself numb so that I don't feel so LOW - bringing myself one more level DOWN! Not that I never try, on several occasions, I made phone calls, asking for contact numbers of another; I needed someone to talk to so badly, I needed to hear those once-so-familiar voices again, I needed to those 'family bonds' that was once so strong (every Sats) but then NO ONE trusted me. I sank deeper & deeper until one final day, I thought "This is it", & the next half an hr or so, I landed myself in the ER.
I was ALMOST gone: my mind filled with all that I'v done, my childhood days, my family & relatives, my life...& i could hear a familiar voice (a friendly voice asking me to HANG ON). I tell myself "This is not the end for me, @least not now!"...& I lived on.
I thought I was stronger, indeed I was. FAMILY BOND - that was what I needed, I knew. I made the 1st step: I walk out of my guilt, I faced the world (everyone) once again! But still not strong enough to pull myself out fr the deepest drain.
It took me another 3 -4 yrs - to face & accept myself for what I am, the way I see myself b4 all these 'misfortunes' (with a last but not major incident), to recover my self-esteem, to strengthen my will-power, to build my courage & brace myself, to see my 'SINs' as LIFE EXPERIENCES & so on & so forth.
Finally, I MADE IT & now (still working hard on character building), I am proud of myself for tt very 1st step tt I'v made!
"The Greatest ENEMY is no other but ONESELF"
"It takes 3 days for one to err & 3 years for one to change
BUT that 3 years definitely makes one a better person than those w/o"
"No man is an island - YOU R NEVER ALONE!"
*GOD BLESS*
